things break, fall apart
not everything is perfect
learning to let go

I’m late in posting my Friday haiku because on Friday, I was feeling anything but beautiful or perfect. It has been my intention, with every post I write, to bring beauty into this world that is hurting so deeply.

Fire season is arriving here in Sonoma County. On top of the pandemic and on top of the people in my community risking their lives to stand up for what is right. To stop the oppression of others.

I can’t even stop the oppression inside myself, or let myself feel how hard I am on myself. I am most of the time, a cruel taskmaster, flogging my every mistake. A friend reminded me the other day, that I’ve been kind to her, why can’t I be kind to myself? I have been, and even as I write this, obsessed with the fear that you will see that I think I am coming up with this beauty.

And instead of really feeling this… I’ve been trying to stay within my perfect little bubble of the illusion that I live in. I thought that my purpose and intent was to offer solace from this little bubble that I “think” I’ve created. And what I realize is that it is beauty flowing through me that has created what you see. Even myself. Even this post. And in my quest to hide this truth, I have pushed against and covered up what beauty has been telling me.

Beauty has been telling me that there are cycles and seasons and that I can’t live in spring alone. After the adrenalin rush of new life, I must experience the bounty of summer and let go into the Fall and dive into the darkness of Winter and trust in the sun and the moon, and the stars (which I can no longer see), that they will bring Spring and the cycles of this beautiful earth on which we depend upon, around again.

I have been running from my own humanness. Running out of fear of making mistakes. Of doing it all on my own and perfectly. I fear that you will really see me, but an even bigger fear is that I will see myself. I fear that you will see how hard I am on myself, that I keep my judgment from others to only turn it on myself. I have been diving into my addictions over and over again of consuming with an insatiable appetite to keep myself from looking at the way I want the world to see me.

Beauty is telling me that I can’t do this alone.
Without the earth.
Without you.
And without myself.

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For more Friday haiku my heart
please visit Rebecca and other poets
at [recuerda mi corazon](http://corazon.typepad.com/)